Just Little Bits

Just Little Bits

Melissa is a girl with a big heart. She likes to make things. She loves dogs, especially her own. Pickles are her favourite food. Nachos come in second. She likes drinking wine and meeting new people. She talks a lot or not at all. She is trying to reinvent herself, her life and a past she “completely screwed up.” Melissa has an etsy shop that is on hold for now, but she hopes to get back to Bows & Branches some day. For now, Just Little Bits is her blog so check it out!

I hate explaining myself to anyone, let alone aliens. I’d like to think the aliens have already been watching me. But some don’t believe in that, so here it goes. I am 35 and I live in Pittsburgh. I work two part-time jobs and don’t make enough money to survive. I am going through a divorce, which everyone sees as my fault. I love, love, love to smile. And honestly, I have a nice one. That’s probably what got me in trouble in the first place. I love listening to people. So much so that I forget I matter too. Some say I’m funny. Some call me a slut. The ones that truly know me know say I’m amazing. I’m working on believing that. This sounds sad, but trust me there is hope in every single word. Nature makes me cry and my dog makes me smile. Sometimes I paint and write things about my life. Other times I drink wine and stay in bed all day. When I was in my 20’s I believed in fairytales. Now I’m trying to make my own.

I currently have a husband and a boyfriend.

I could write a book on this. My husband and I have been separated since August 2016. We were together 12 years, married for eight. During those 12 years, I cheated… a lot. So here we are. The word got out. I fucked up. I also know what happened every day in the house I lived in with the guy who promised to cherish me forever. I am now with a guy who knows every single detail about my life. The good, the bad, the ugly and the sexy as fuck.

I met my boyfriend at an important yet awful time in my life. We met before my marriage fell apart and he stood by me through all the mess. He was the first guy in my life who never hit on me (clearly that changed later). And he is still here today. If I could change anything, I wish I could give him the “me” I was before the sadness became part of my everyday life.

The lies I lived with ate at my soul. If you met me, you would love me. You’d also probably want to fuck me. I am not bragging. I am speaking from experience. That being said, I know I am a good person. I know my past doesn’t define me. But I am still adjusting. I am leaving a life. There is a lot of guilt. There is a lot of pain. But there is also freedom. I still haven’t learned to embrace the freedom. And I still haven’t learned to truly accept who I am. There are people who tell me my energy fills a room. I want to remember my past, learn from it and shine like I believe I am meant to. I can only hope my real smile returns and with that, a sense of happiness and peace.

I have to live with myself every single day. The awareness of my existence is blinding these days. When a person gets into a relationship, there is a certain part of their being they give up. This is what I believe to be true, but I often wonder if it’s the same for everyone. The deepest friendships in life reveal strengths and weaknesses. Boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, whatever you want to call them, they take so much work. In terms of relationships, those should be the easy ones, right? A marriage is documented. You sign yourself over to this person. Like I said, I live with myself every single day. And now I do it without my husband.

There is not one part of me that wants to go back to that marriage, but I know that every single relationship I’ve had has molded me into the woman I am today. She might be a little bit crazy, but she will be ok. And deep down, I know the future holds better things for my soon-to-be-ex.

I don’t know a whole lot about dating. I haven’t been single since technically fifth grade. I mean back then it was like, “why wouldn’t he hold my hand during the movie we were watching in the gymnasium?” I don’t know a lot about dating, but I do know a lot about guys. When you get to know me, like really know me, I talk a lot. I want to know EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. About you. Communication is the most challenging part of a relationship. I think a lot of people would agree. I think if you can keep that going, you can keep your relationship going. Good or bad, just talk.

In terms of my most memorable date – it’s so funny and so silly. You would think it would be something so important, but it was my senior prom. I had just broken up with a guy I was dating for three years. I was working part time and had a crush on a guy I worked with. He asked me to go to prom. Not just prom, MY prom. He went to another school. So simple, but it has always stuck with me.

Remembering it now, it reminds me of what I want. I want a strong guy that is willing to put his pride aside and just make me smile.

I have dated a lot of assholes. Assholes that I loved. Assholes that I would still take care of today if I could. I have also dated a lot of great guys. Every single one taught me something about myself that I don’t think anyone else could.

The bad guys will tell you you’re sexy and then take it all away. The good guys will make you smile and listen to what you say. You reach a point in your life where certain things matter and the other things don’t. It ultimately comes back to you, what you learn from the past and what you do with it.

But like I said, every single person in my life has taught me something about myself I might not have realized on my own. The awareness I speak of involves remembering details from my life I had pushed aside. Good, bad, happy, sad, all those little details make me who I am. And the details will continue to grow. I will always be in search of the best me possible. Pain, as awful as it is, can be enlightening.

I have a huge heart with a lot of love to give. That being said, I need it in return. Make me smile. Make me feel important. Make me feel safe. Laughter is the key to my heart. Listen to me. If you really want to be with me, you will listen. Listen when I am sad. When I am happy. When I have nothing to say at all. Listen to my movements. Listen to my facial expressions. Listen and respond. And fuck me like a woman should be fucked. I don’t believe in princes, but I do believe in orgasms followed up by a lot of kisses… and maybe some candy.

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