If I was more honest when filling out my online dating profile:
I was a hot mess in my 20s, most of it I don’t even remember. In my 30s I “came to,” only to find that everyone was married with kids. I mean, literally, everyone.
So now I am here, sifting through the remains. Like a gold panner who was late for the rush I’m just traipsing around in a daze, randomly scrounging for leftover gold in the creek.
The six things I could never do without
- Mascara, because that shit you just can’t DIY.
- Eye-cream, that’s where I’m at.
- Coffee, because I don’t want to deal with those withdrawls again.
- Chelsea Handler Netflix episodes. She makes life worth living.
- My jogging shoes. Even though I run like Hodor and I’m slower than Joe the speedwalker who is my elderly neighbour, it is apparently something I enjoy doing.
- Writing about my single life, and all of its strange encounters.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Outer space. Why he never called. Why I care that he never called. Why I still have feelings.
On a typical Friday night I am
Gently caressing my eyes with Aquaphor, trying not to burn my gums with teeth whitener, and wondering if he didn’t call because I made it seem like I didn’t care if he called or not.
You should message me if:
There are no stipulations here but “hey” is not adequate. What am I supposed to do with that? Did you lose your brain? Please, if you have a brain, use it. If you did lose your brain because of injury simply add an addendum: “hey, I have a brain injury.” That, at least, I can work with.